Friday, September 28, 2007



By Wendy McElroy

According to friend and ex-prostitute Norma Jean Almodovar, married men pay for sex mainly to get blow jobs. This baffles me. Why wouldn't every woman include "hunt and suck" in her sexual repertoire? As a stressed and exhausted boomer, the advantages of fellatio would be Chapter One of my future bestseller entitled "How to Drive Your Man Crazy With an Utter Minimum of Effort and Time." You get to keep your clothes on, thus concealing cellulite and those extra ten pounds. You don't have to be "in the mood." It is the fast food drive-through of sex. Moreover, men become unduly grateful. The first time I gave it my "all," the man told me a woman could get anything she wanted in exchange for "that." It seemed like a fair swap to me.

The call girls I know charge $150 to $300 for a blow job. Imagine investing that extra money in a retirement fund at a 10% annual return. I am not so presumptuous as to advise you to charge your husband a fee. That is your choice. And, if you make the fiscally wise choice, you can always give him a price break by using the going street rate. A price chart, covering some of the major U.S. cities, can be found in the Jayhawke Report on the "World Sex Guide" site. For example, in Washington D.C. in 1997, "A blowjob [sic] usually runs $30-60, sex is $50-100, and anal is $70-150." But the report warns, "There is lots of drugs and crime in DC, so use extreme caution!" In other words, men who go to streetwalkers for blow jobs might come back with more than a grin on their faces. Which is another reason to keep more than a log burning in the hearth.

But where can you learn this fine art? (Are you listening, Hillary?) I recommend against chatting with a girlfriend because, within the week, you'll hear back from another girlfriend about how your sex life needs help. And then a male friend will generously offer to "let" you practice on him. And, no, I won't tell you how I am certain this will happen. Proceed instead to a wonderful and free on-line "14 Lesson Tutorial" on oral sex from a pro. It starts at the basics, "First things first. LOOK at the cock." Ignore the tutorial's references to worshiping the penis and seeing it as an icon. There's no need to make a religion out of this. Go in a straight line to "know his testicles" and how to "deep throat" without that nasty gagging reflex.

Of course, seeing oral sex performed has a certain educational appeal. I vividly remember the first blow job I saw in a porn video. It was a scene in which porn superstar (and sweet human being) Nina Hartley blew a cock in a condom -- as opposed to a "bare back blow job" -- and the sex sizzled. I leaned toward the television screen and exclaimed, "So that's what you do with your hands!" Nina also teaches her techniques in Nina Hartley's Guide to Oral Sex.

My last piece of advice: oral sex has no necessary connection with blowing and it should never be viewed as a job. Enjoy!